I haven't been writing, I haven't been sleeping, I've mostly been stressing BUT finally I see the light.
December 14, 2017 I discovered I got into one of my top choice MBA programs. This means I am going into the New Year and holiday season employed at a job I enjoy, with a grad program secured, my skin and edges flourishing and parents in agreement with my crazy plans that actually made some sense for once. I still have my lower
pouch, my pockets is empty af and several questionable decisions were under my belt but dammit I WAS ON MY WAY.
I hate “The journey” I feel like we as humans idealize the struggle to the success to find some purpose in our suffering, assuming its temporary and I would rather enjoy meaningless success...just saying. Despite this though when the journey works in my favor I realize it can be a time of various important lessons and growth. So for once I am not salty, just well-seasoned. April 21, 2017 I quit the job that was making me depressed. I was officially a stereotypical millennial. I hated my job because I was overqualified, over-stressed and still my pockets were emptier than a grocery store on the last of the month. I knew I wanted and needed to quit to improve my life but I didn't have another job lined up. I was in limbo, stressed af, and the relief from leaving a toxic situation was met with the despair of knowing my crazy plan to be re-employed and back betta-than-eva could easily fail... having me look like a well-dressed “boo boo the fool”. Around March with my 24th birthday approaching I realized I could not be semi-mentally sane and not make any new moves, but I didn't want to move home. My already naturally cynical, anxious and always stressed self literally felt like I entered the gates of hell every time I stepped into the workplace. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to have a plan. I decided I was going to quit. But if I was quitting my job I wouldn't be able to survive off of my savings for long, which meant I would need my parents to help me survive again after relishing a semi financial independence for a while. I was just getting into I’m grown af and I can do what I want territory so this wasn't an easy decision, but at this point I didn't have a choice. My plan was this… I knew my parents wouldn't help me without a plan because I am the free spirit child and my decisions sometimes are SO genius they go over their heads. So I decided to explain to them I would quit my job to study for the GRE for a few months without distractions. For these few months I would pay part of my rent with their help and work babysitting and various side hustles while looking for a more permanent new job, applying to grad schools and getting my good Karma up so the universe could align in my favor. I didn't know what grad school program I was going to apply to or how I would finesse finding a new job when the job market wasn't here for ya girl for the past two years of me trying to dip from Hell. Despite me being known for making hasty and crazy decisions my parents agreed to help and ya girl was on her way to a new more eloquent struggle. To be honest I didn't think I would get into grad school at all. I majored in the struggle in undergrad and the GRE had me ALL the way fugged up. I was realistic about what programs I could get into and the financial help I could receive from them but I didn't want to have any expectations about getting in as to not let myself down. Somehow I managed to follow my plan from beginning to finish. I began a GRE course, secured a job by August, took my GRE in October and again in November because that shit wasn't cute, and heard from my first and favorite Grad school by December. I really wanted to share this to let ya’ll know about some of the lessons I learned along di way.
Lesson 1: Have a time frame, and a written plan.
I knew that my parents would come to DC and drag me back home by my edges if I didn't make a substantial dent in my plan a few months after quitting my job so I had like 400 back-up plans. I wrote out a physical week by week plan which I followed to the T and it really helped me when I felt like everything I was trying to achieve was overbearing because I just listened to my own written instructions.
Lesson 2: When people say “think positive” punch them in the face.
Okay, this isn't an actual lesson, not because I’m necessarily against violence but because I can't even fight. I’m much more of a talk shit and then run type. BUT I hate when people tell me what to do especially when they aren't in my situation. I am extremely cynical and a realist so I cannot think things into existence …I literally am incapable of it. Instead I like to set up realistic plans that match realistic expectations. I figured I might not do that great on the GRE considering my test-anxiety so I made sure to research the scores I needed to get into various programs and in my applications focused on what I could control like my personal essays and my interviews. And in regards to the job search I used my resources and asked people I knew personally if they knew of places that were hiring. If you can get a reference into a job it's almost as good as work experience.
Lesson 3: Forgive yourself.
This is a lesson I am still working on. Now that I have reached the final part of my plan I realize that I honestly didn't think I would get here. I was regretting quitting my job, regretting my undergrad grades, regretting not quitting earlier to study more for the GRE, regretting being this fine and not becoming a stripper instead (despite my lack of booty), regretting my entire existence. This honestly was silly because my OCD-self had so many back up plans from self-doubt I really would have been just fine regardless.
The last lesson I learned is to keep yo shit on the low so if you fail no one will know anyway. I’m joking, but not really. Even though I told a good amount of friends about my plan as I got closer and closer to the finish line several people were like gurrrrlll you stay in the cut and then come out of nowhere with some good news. I wasn’t intentional at all. I just can’t be spreading shit until I know I’m finna come out on top. Anyway, despite all my self-doubt, the doubt of others, the stress and my still empty pockets I DONE MADE IT. I have a long but new journey ahead and I’m really excited. Sometimes, when you are true to yourself and your intentions, you are good to others and just keep going things can and will work out. I think that was the most important thing I learned actually. Not to think positive but to just keep going. It’s really all you can do besides staying black and staying fly.