No New Frienz

Hello friends, foes, hoes and bros. HAPPY NEW YEAR and  I hope you all are well. In the wake of the new year, new me and my graduation in May, I have been spending a lot of time thinkingggggg. Recently I have been having a lot of conversations with friends regarding this strange place in our life that is these late twenties. Twenty sunthins seem to continuously struggle as you can see from my previous blogs, but I feel like everyday in adulting I find a new way to be stressed tf out. A few recent conversations made me think of what I wanted to write for you all today and I really hope that ju all can relate.

The other day I was talking to some LA friends about my disappointment of not moving home to LA which was my original post grad plan. We were talking about how we in general miss each other and how it’s exhausting having to find new people as adults to relate to in the ways we do our childhood and college friends. My girl admitted to me that she feels friendless and is having trouble connecting with other girls, which is a stark contrast from the easy friendships we made in school. I have been analyzing this conversation and I have talked to several others that agree. People in general seem to think it is really hard to make deep, real, authentic friendships as adults. 

...they not wrong…

BUT 

My friends where there is a will there is a way!  And I have analyzed and found a solution to this problem. So feel free to drop a few dollaz to me via venmo for this free knowledge I am about to drop like an old Lil Weezy mixtape. 

First of all if you want to make friends as an adult outside of a school like setting you need to make it a priority. It has to become your second job...and it is not part time. Here are the tools to success:

-The Plug and the Hunt: First off you have to pick your prey. You have to do some inward thinking about what you want and need out of a friend at this point in your life. Once you know this you have to find the plug. Promise I am not referring to drugs. This is a whole different type of plug... this is the social butterfly acquaintance,the local bar where you pick up a bartending job, the intramural soccer club. BASICALLY this is whatever person or thing that is lightweight and friendly that will allow you to simply get out of the house and socialize with anything! This person or thing is not going to end up being the direct connect to your new bestie necessarily. This is simply a vehicle to get you out of the house and invited to things so you can actually meet people. This is the first step.  

-The Socialite: This isn't someone you are meeting; this is you! To make friends you have to actually leave your house, participate in things and get to know people. The more people who know and like you even superficially means the more places you are invited. The more places you are invited the more people you meet and possible connections to make! To all my introverts and in- the- middle kids I know this won't be your favorite thing in the world, but if you want friends YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME. OR stop complaining, but I promise this is key. 

-The Dates: Okay so you now have been attending events and are being invited to things. You now have begun to see a few of the same people. Because of step one you now know what you want in a friend. So it should be fairly simple to spot who you like more than others. Now it's up to you to invite people to places! Start light with a happy hour or a concert, then you can think of more intimate things once you really get to know them. Yes this is exactly like dating. But it's a part of the process. 

-Third base: Alright so now you have a strong acquaintance or two. You can invite a few select people out alone and have a few memories or inside jokes to laugh about under your belt. Now it's time for third base...vulnerability! See the hardest parts about cementing adult friendships is that they tend to be so surface level. It makes sense to have surface level interactions... other than possibly a bad day at work, or a few funny stories... you ain't really BEEN thru shit together. Ya kid friends and college friends? They remember when you got ya ass beat for weeks for sneaking out to see some ashy knee boy, or they slept seven to a bed with you over spring break in college. They have seen some things, okay? Those experiences bring people together, but we grownt now. We not just out here doing stupid shit for shits and giggles (as much) and surely not with people we have just met. And this is because you have to trust someone to allow them to see you taking your mid day nap on the bathroom floor after 12 mimosas at brunch. Trust requires vulnerability. Humans feel more connected when we feel like we know something special about another human. Listen I am not telling you to just go around telling every Karen and Jane your childhood trauma in the name of friendship but the hope is after some courting and dates you will naturally peep the true friendship potential of a person and know where to start the actual relationship. 

I did not just make this up for shits and giggles yall it works! You know that graduation I mentioned in May? My only friend that is able to fly out and see me cross the dusty stage *plane tickets are expensive yall*  is my adult friend from DC. We met at a terrible job and she really looked out for me, and quickly became my “work auntie”(the work wife position was already taken I move fast lol). What started as kee kees in the snack closet... turned into a real friendship! And we still cool TA THIS DAY even after my move to NOLA. 

We all know that dating is often awkward and nerve racking but friend dating can be very rewarding. Making friends as a grownt human is not easy at all but it is surely possible with a little razzle dazzle. I hope you all make some wonderful friends my humans. Give them a hug for me!