Not a Goodbye

 I sat in the chair wincing as my hairstylist pulled on my tender headed scalp. I do not know if it was the comfort I felt over the nostalgia of being in a salon chair in someone's kitchen, the impending aftermath of the hair appointment (a likely immediate regret at making a permanent hair change), or the smell of hair grease faintly in the background, but it was at this moment I had a realization...I am evolving. 

When I started this blog in 2017 I was much the same shawty but also nothing like I am today. I desperately wanted to live in a world of transparency, understanding, community and transformation. I wanted to have a safe space to talk about my hardships, mental illnesses, triumphs, traumas and imperfections I was trained my whole life to never show. And I wanted to do it in my voice. The weight of these experiences in my life was so heavy, and I felt that I could find freedom in release. I wanted to make an impact and HELP people no matter how small the group and I thought this could be my way to make that happen. In many ways my goal was achieved. However, I was and am still worn down by the anxiety of posting my deepest secrets and truths and even of critiquing the world we live in, when I come from a family that is very image concerned, a society that shames mental illness and general imperfections in people, and concern from myself of what my peers would think if they were to read something they disagree with. 

I faced a lot of pressure to promote my writings and get views, and the times my blogs reached numbers I could never have imagined that came with a lot of criticism that I didn't ask for from communities that my words were never meant to reach. I even faced criticism of my writing style, which pisses me off because I am not tryna be Shakespeare. I am VERY intentional about having a clear and easy to read writing style. This is not a space for literary snobs. 

I am typing this as a 28 year old woman closer to peak adulthood than the teen years that propelled me into writing these blogs. This 28th year I have been practicing fearlessness. When I got my starter locs installed Saturday morning, I realized I wanted that to be the first of many serious and permanent decisions I made to elevate my life in the way I wished to at 24, 18, 13, 10 years old. A part of that elevation is releasing myself from “safe spaces” that are actually comfortable prisons, and instead sail into the deep and choppy waters that can lead to new territories within myself that can be a true form of safety. 

Just like I made most of my decisions with my hair based on  what I felt others would believe is beautiful, and not what I personally desired, so too have I begun to feel a similar way with my blog. The thangggzzz I want to write about and  the way I want to control my narrative have outgrown this space. 

So I am letting it go. 

This will be my last blog. 

But not my last piece of writing. 

This is not a goodbye. I am letting this go to put my writing and creative energy into FINALLY beginning the process of writing my book. As my starter locs mature to strong mature locs, my book ideas, essays and poems will mature, until they become a cohesive group of writing that can be put together to create my first novel. 

THANK YOU to everyone who followed along with me on this journey. I am still a twentysunthin struggle bus rider with dreams of making an impact in creative spaces, whether that be in the music industry, the non profit wurl, or on your bookshelf... but I have shifted my direction on the path to that final end of the journey. 

I hope yall still ride this wave with me. 

Sending love to you all, just a bit less to men, people who are mean to animals and children, and people who call me after 8pm. 

See y'all later!