Self-Deprecation: The Struggle

One thing I’ve learned since I have become a pseudo adult, is that most people out here really don’t have their shit together. This fact took me a while to figure out, because people will finesse the fugg outta you to think otherwise. It’s like those *Instagram models who take bomb ass pics but you peep they Walmart mattress is on the floor in the background with star wars sheets. That ass still fat though. All jokes aside, the idea of finessing people into thinking

you have it together isn’t a horrible idea, nor one created by millennials. The idea of “faking it until you make it” has been a thing for-like-ever and it seems that many who capitalize on it become successful. Unfortunately, it’s never really been my thing. What has been my thing instead, is self-deprecation. Otherwise known as “you can’t tell me shit I don’t already know about myself” syndrome.

 

Ya’ll know what I’m talking about. Example A: I get all dressed up for the FUNCTION, face on the fleek, body looking right from the front, but I turn to the side to make sure the gut behaving and damn there’s the *booty-dew on the side profile (Suddenly regret that bag of hot cheetos earlier). When I go to show the fit to my girls and they start hooting and hollering talking ‘bout imma bad bih BUT I have to ruin the moment with some “ignore my gut though she not behaving tonight,” the thing is no one prolly even noticed...but the fact is IN CASE they did I have to make sure I announce it so no one can catch me off guard. This innate trait spills over to my professional life as well. Maybe I’m working on a project at work and need some help. Instead of simply asking a coworker for help I hit them with the “I don’t get this shit you know I’m slow… what am i supposed to do?” I tend to tell people I won’t achieve something before I even hear back the results. I’ll make fun of myself when I feel intimidated, and honestly, a lot of times I believe what I am saying. Regardless, there is a fine line between humility and just disrespecting yourself. It's hard to find the balance.

 

The thing about defense mechanisms is they are attributes about ourselves that we develop and perform to protect our being. I wasn’t always a self-deprecating bih. I can actually pinpoint when I started this behavior as well as why. When I started at a new school at 12 in the 8th grade, my whole world was shifted upside down. I had a complete culture shock and unlike at my old school, where I was popular with the students and teachers and living my best tween/pre-teen life, I was not fitting in. I got made fun of...all the time and my dad never taught a young shawty how to slap a hoe so I needed a way to prevent myself from being bullied without going all *Drake’s story line in Degrassi on those folk. I figured if I could point out my own flaws, it would prevent others from coming at me...and it worked. It’s a shitty way to protect yourself, but it's not always a negative thing. It caused me to develop tough skin and a pretty damn good sense of humor. But in di real wurl I can’t present myself as someone who doesn’t have it together. I need to seem like someone who is capable of achieving greatness in addition to being confident.

 

The juxtaposition between my high self-esteem and low self-worth is always too apparent in the battle of finding a balance. It’s hard not creating my own demise, because if I fail then I didn’t get a chance to predict it first and prepare myself for the fall. I don’t like the unexpected. But, I have to get over it, although it won’t happen overnight. You gotta eventually stop self-deprecating because there comes a point where you start to look dumb. If Beyonce went around saying she looked like Richard Pryor, no one would take her seriously with her Goddess looking ass. It's time to face it,  I am no longer that awkward twelve year old, so maybe I should grow up and stop acting like it? Like maybe I don’t need to sing *Reflection from Mulan in the mirror before my shower, because my reflection is actually showing who I am inside you feel me? And also, maybe I should just invest in some spanks like the grownt woman I am so my booty-dew can stop presenting herself in public. Anyway, I am a work in progress, we all are. But, one of the keys to success is being able to properly convey the finished product despite tweaking a few things along the way. I’m trying to get it together ya’ll I really am. We on our Issa Rae ish not Lena Dunham...ya feel meh? I’m out.

 

*Appendix: For all of you uncultured swine out there here are a few terms you may not be familiar with:

 

1. Drake’s Storyline on Degrassi: Unless you have been living under a rock your whole life you should know that before Drake was a mega (simp)... I mean rap-star he was known back in Canada as “Wheel Chair Jimmy” He got shot by a school shooter who was bullied throughout the show and went postal after he had enough. Twas very deep back in the day. Drake wasn't even the prime target he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Show was the shit. Our parents weren't really hip to it foreal so we got to see all types of scandalous underage debauchery. A time.
2. Booty-dew: If you don't know this term you too have also lived under a rock. The GS boys popularized this song back in 2009 ( they are also the geniuses behind the “Stanky Leg song). The song was a hit but the phrase itself refers to when you gotta gut so big or a butt so small that yo stomach stick out more than YO BOOTY... DO. This was such a clever play on words. Your fav could never. Back in the day we used to call girls we didn't mess with “chicken heads with booty-do’s”. Wasn't a nice thing to say at all but I mean it was a pretty legit insult. But seriously if you don't know this song look it up. It also involves a pretty hip dance involving leaning wit it and drop wit it and switch to the other leg and drop wit it. However, you can only participate if you are an ace boon coon.
3. Intsa-gram model: If you know anything about anything millennial related you should know what this is but for any old heads out there an instagram model is a very specific type of model who isn't really a model at all but instead is a fine ass bih (fat ass required) that gets enough likes on her instagram pics that she gets endorsements. Some of these endorsements are for clothes and shit but mostly they for flat tummy tea and workout belts. They still living better than me though so I can't even hate. Do you mammas.
4. Reflection from Mulan: I am not even going to explain this one because if you reading this you have access to google. But Mulans Bae was fine af and I don't care if he was a cartoon he could like get it.